Love is hard, but here’s how couples counseling helps make it easy

MANILA, Philippines — For many young adults, romantic relationships have become both a source of joy and a source of emotional strain. Yet when we hear about couples counseling, people often imagine it as something for married couples or long-term partners, not for students or young couples still figuring things out.

But the truth is, relationship struggles among the youth can take a serious toll on mental health.

In recent years, psychiatrists from the Department of Health–National Center for Mental Health (DOH–NCMH) have noted that breakups or unresolved relationship issues often trigger many cases of emotional distress and even psychotic breakdowns. The NCMH crisis hotline also reported thousands of calls from individuals aged 18 to 30, with love and relationship problems ranking among the top reasons for seeking help.

Now, more than ever, it’s clear that young love deserves care and guidance, too.

To understand how counseling can support this, Rappler spoke with Dr. Rolando de los Reyes II, a guidance services specialist at the University of the Philippines Diliman. He shared that the university’s Office of Counseling and Guidance (OCG) addresses three major areas of concern among students: academic, career, and problems of daily living, including romantic relationship.

Couple counseling gives students a safe space to navigate love, conflict, and communication in healthier ways.

Clash of clans 

In De los Reyes’ years of counseling work, he observed that one of the most common sources of conflict among young couples is their difference in upbringing,  the invisible blueprint that shapes who we are.

“I always tell people that this relationship, or this union, isn’t just between two individuals, but between two families,” he explained. “Each person is brought up differently.”

We are, after all, creatures of habit. The way we were raised molds our values, behaviors, and daily practices. These ingrained patterns inevitably surface in relationships, sometimes clashing with our partner’s own.

De los Reyes added that these differences in upbringing often lead to misunderstandings and miscommunication, not just in major decisions, but in the smallest, most ordinary things that make up daily life. He shared that for some lived-in couples, simple habits like bathroom use can quietly disrupt routines and cause conflict. 

Young couples are often more vulnerable to outside influences.

Many students still live with or rely on their parents, which can sometimes give family members space to meddle in the relationship.

Peers, on the other hand, shape how couples perceive and handle love. We turn to friends for advice, compare our relationships to theirs, and even adapt to the standards or culture within our social circles. Within one’s friend group, for example, we create a sense of what’s considered normal, so when partners come from different circles, it can be hard to meet in the middle.

De los Reyes explained that this “culture” within different social environments also influences their sense of time, availability, priorities, and even the way they communicate. Some couples he has counseled from different universities or degree programs often struggle to find balance because their daily realities simply don’t align. These gaps in experience and lifestyle create invisible pressures.

Me, myself, and us

According to De los Reyes, setting up couples counseling usually begins after an individual consultation, where one of the partners would bring up their relationship concern. “I usually ask the person, ‘Would your partner be open to couples counseling?’” he noted. 

Consent, he emphasized, is an utmost priority. Both partners must be willing and in full agreement to attend the sessions. If one of them refuses, individual counseling remains available for the inquiring partner.

When it comes to the procedure, UPD OCG offers three free sessions: individual consultations for each partner, followed by a joint session. He begins by meeting them separately to encourage openness and to understand whether they share the same concerns within the relationship. While the free sessions are limited, De los Reyes noted, sometimes, the case requires a series of counseling sessions.

He also encouraged couples to commit to follow-up sessions when needed. Even in counseling, he said, consistency can be a challenge. “Sometimes after the couple’s counseling, they feel better already,” he said. However, he added that issues tend to resurface when some matters remain unresolved.

The UPD OCG primarily offers couple counseling sessions for UP constituents, but De los Reyes shared that they also extend their services to non-UP partners upon request to their Facebook messenger or email. 

With stigma toward mental health services still existing, many people misconstrue couples counseling as a last resort for relationships on the brink. But in reality, it signifies the opposite: a willingness to work through challenges together. Counseling reflects a relationship in progress, one where both partners are learning to recognize their values, understand each other better, and take mindful steps forward. 

Relationship homework

During the sessions, De los Reyes shared that he often gives couples small “assignments” to help them pause and reflect before making big decisions. “I always tell this to couples and even to individuals: never make decisions when you’re emotionally high or low. Because most of the time, your decisions will be wrong,” he said.

He noted that some couples break up in the heat of emotion, only to regret it and reconcile, until this becomes a pattern. To help them assess things more clearly, he gives an exercise called a cost-benefit analysis. It’s an individual reflection that weighs whether the relationship benefits or costs the person more. The key, he emphasized, is to do this separately to see “the real score,” free from each other’s influence.

Another common assignment he gives is listing personal values. He recalled a couple he once counseled who initially struggled because of the girl’s focus on physical appearance. After writing down her list of values and realizing that looks weren’t even part of it, her perspective shifted, and the couple is now a family. “Sometimes it takes a lot of [work], because sometimes we put our standards with the standards of the world,” De los Reyes said.  

In the end, these exercises remind couples that conflicts often arise from external influences — expectations, opinions, or ideals that don’t always align with their own. For a relationship to work, both partners must learn to tune those out and focus instead on what truly matters between the two of them.

The art of ‘us’

While social support is important, counseling offers a guided, deliberate space that encourages reflection before making decisions. Sometimes, when we confide in friends, the advice we receive can be hasty or emotionally charged, often leading to impulsive breakups. In counseling, however, the goal isn’t always separation. If anything, it’s about recognizing where a couple can meet halfway.

“The basic premise for a couple, for a partnership to flourish, openness, trust, and compromise,” said De los Reyes.

Openness, he explained, begins with honest communication. Some of his clients create their own “communication cues,” signals that tell a partner when to pause or stop talking during a session when things become overwhelming or when the discussion starts going in circles. These cues help prevent arguments from escalating and promote mutual understanding.

Openness also helps prevent emotions from bottling up. “I don’t want to be sexist here or anything, pero, ang mga lalaki minsan napaka-dense, (men can be dense)” he said, noting how simple expressions often bridge emotional gaps.

Compromise, on the other hand, happens once both partners have identified their values. In many of the conflicts he has encountered, compromise is often the missing piece. For young couples juggling studies, limited time together can be mistaken for neglect. But through understanding, even small gestures like quick updates or check-ins can help maintain a connection.

He also cited a case familiar to UP students: couples divided by political beliefs. He cited varsity and activist couples arguing over the commercialized establishment Dilimall within the UP grounds, owned by major figures who also sponsor the varsity team.

Even with issues like this, De los Reyes emphasized that couples must discuss them. He encouraged putting oneself in their partner’s shoes to recognize their mindset and values and find a way to compromise. 

Young couples may still be figuring things out, but that doesn’t mean they’re incapable of building something meaningful. With the right guidance, relationships can become a space for growth — a learning curve that teaches patience, communication, and empathy.

In a time when social media often paints love as effortless, bound by perfect compatibility and soulmate narratives, it’s easy to forget that real love takes work. – Rappler.com

Trixia Policarpio is a Rappler intern studying BA Creative Writing at University of the Philippines Diliman.